C-rona chronicles: day 20

10:00 – How do I know this quarantine is affecting me? I woke up panicking, thinking I had to work today. It took me 15 minutres to realize it was Saturday.

10:30 – Oh shit! I did have to work today! Why none of you reminded me? I told you yesterday about my WWFH situation. What the hell, man?

2:30 – Crisis averted. My partner managed to pull some great comps out of his probably hangover ass. Time to move to the other side of the couch and chill.

2:31 – Every time I sit on my couch, I feel its judgement as the cushion gently hugs my buttocks. 20 days ago, this couch had no butt prints. Today, it has 3 different ones...

2:40 – For those not asking, I have a 3-zone couch strategy for the quarantine.

• Right side: My work station. Legs are firmly planted on the floor, back in an upright position. Butt print is orthopedically shaped to hold me for 8+ hours.

• Left side: Bum station. Legs can be up on the coffee table or on the couch in a Cleopatra-like posture. Butt print is shaped to hold my crooked body with maximum comfort and minimal "sleeping" limbs. It's designed for 2-3 hour movie intervals.

• Center: Gaming station. Strategically placed in front of the TV, this butt print firmly holds my buttocks and prevents my body from doing involuntary movements that might cost me the game. It's designed for 18+ hours of comfort.

5:00 – I went out for my daily leisurely walk wearing my brand new matching set of lace underwear and mask. I wish there were more people outside to see it.

5:01 – The most disturbing part about this quarantine is that there are no zombies around. I've been preparing for zombies all my life and we got this? #NotCool

7:01 – Attempted to bake a chocolate cake. The batter never made it to the baking pan. I might, might not have eaten it all. #CoronaBod

7:02 – Invented a new cocktail. I'm calling it "The Quarantonio" It's delicious and perfect for this quarantine.

The Quarantonio Recipe

• 1 oz of every liquor you have in your pantry

• A dash of bitters

• Add ice and mix thorougly

• Serve on a chilled glass

• Rub antibacterial gel on the rim of glass

• Decorate with an orange wedge

• Drink until you forget you've been in quarantine for 20+ days